Just Breathe

The past couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotions and drastic changes in my life. My anxiety has reached an all time high and my lack of sleep is starting to make me a complete monster. I don't drink every night that I don't have my boys, but when I do...you better believe I am going to forget the night.

This is not how I imagined my life....

I have two amazing boys. I have a terrific job. I have amazing friends and family.....so why do I feel so alone??

In an effort to try to figure out what is going on in my head, I've decided to write this blog. Sure, some people might think "Now Erica, why would you share such personal information?"  I think if I share this with the right people this seemingly difficult time in my life will get easier, much faster.

So let's start with the obvious (if you are a Facebook stalker, you already know) my boyfriend and I broke up. He was/is everything I thought I wanted in a boyfriend/partner. Smart, funny, handsome, and he loved my boys. He loved me. For whatever reason (let's say I'm crazy) I couldn't love him the way he loved me. Of course, I love and care for him as a person; I'd like to think I am not a cold heartless bitch, but in the end I don't think I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I am grateful for the time I had with him. He taught me many things. I wouldn't be attending the church I attend if it hadn't been for him opening my eyes and helping me be a little more open minded in general.

So what's the problem right?? That is what I wanted after all.....I came home tonight to find even more of his things gone. There's only a few things of his left here and the rest is mine. I have begun the tedious task of packing things. Typically, I pack things very quickly. I am ready to move out weeks before it's time. Now, I know this date is going to sneak up on me like a predator on his victim.

My friends are being wonderful. Every day is different. Some days, I am ready to tackle the world. Nothing could get me down. Other days, I want to take a magic pill that would let me sleep through the next week so I could forget everything going on.

The boys are very confused. They are excited to move, but don't quite understand why John isn't coming with us.

This is my off week with the boys. I don't get them back until early Sunday morning. So naturally, this is an off week for me anyways. It's 100 times harder when I am completely alone.

I don't want to settle for just anyone because I am lonely. I am terrified of that actually. Half of my anxiety is from things that haven't even happened yet.

Oh, and did I mention....there is a ghost at my house. Granted, I now am really starting to believe he may actually be my guardian angel of some sort...but still. Try explaining that to your friends who already thought you were a little off in the first place.

I don't really know where I am going with this. Partially because my sleeping meds that I did not forget to take tonight, are kicking in. I know things will get better. One day at a time. For now, I need to remind myself....to just breathe.

Everyday Explanations

As any parent knows, your time with your children as they get older is full of questions and explanations. Just this morning, I spent the 40 minute drive in the car to the sitter answering a slew of questions that the boys asked (sometimes repeatedly).

Of course, as Hayden gets older his questions are more complex and he is more persistent in finding the true meaning to certain things. One day we were driving home and passed by this car sitting on the side of the highway, Hayden immediately asked why this car was just sitting there since there was no red light. I told him that no one was in the car, when he asked...yes you guessed it..."why" again, I (mistakenly) told him they were probably drinking and driving and went to jail! Hayden, immediately concerned as he had seen mommy drinking her Pepsi dug a little deeper. "You can't drink while you drive or you'll go to jail?!" Without thinking, I responded with "You can't drink BEVERAGES while driving, this is just a Pepsi." "What is a beverage?" So you can see, the conversation got deeper and deeper. I explained to Hayden that a beverage is a drink that mommies and daddies drink and it makes them act silly and so they should not drink while driving because it can be dangerous for everyone. When we get home, Hayden insists that I get on the computer to show him what a beverage was.

He seemed content with my response and left it at that. 5 minutes later, Brady bear asks me for a beverage.

Today's chat in the car involved pool chemicals. Some way, some how, Hayden gathered that pool chemicals were cleaners that would peel off your skin. Once I resolved that misunderstanding, he thought chemicals were cleaning people and didn't see how it would take them two days to clean a pool since they would probably be tired. Meanwhile, between having this conversation with Hayden; Brady was yelling at me telling me since there were clouds in the sky that I could not go to work. The tomato's (tornado's) would fall out of the sky (he then proceeded to show me how to cover my head with my arms should such a thing happen) and I could get hurt.

See...easy to get confused huh!

Which leads me to my last topic. Hayden knows the lyrics to almost every song on the radio now. I have realized that he has been singing the word "sex" which I am not thrilled about. He knows the words that are bad words now and what not to say but I am TERRIFIED to touch THAT word for fear of how far he will dig to get to the meaning. I have thought of Googling "how to teach a 5 year old about sex" but I am thinking that is not going to quite cut it.

So, please....if you hear my son singing a song with this untouchable word, please ignore. (or feel free to give me a suggestion as to how to explain he shouldn't say it)

Self Realization

Over the past few years, months, days, and even hours I have learned new things about myself. Some of which I already knew and was just too afraid to admit, others came about in an eye-opening kind of way.

1. Depending on my mood, I can be narcissistic.

Now, this is NOT all the time. It really just depends on how I feel that day
 (she get it from her momma)

2. I can be a total drama queen. "Spilled cherry Pepsi!? What's the point of living?!"

3. I am, a hypocrite. I can dish out all day the things that one should do or not do, but I can hardly ever follow my own advice.

4. I am nosey. Plain and simple....I search your Facebook to see if your life is more interesting than mine.

5. I absolutely hate being judged, but still tend to judge others. Now, this isn't for every person...only those who are so self absorbed with their tiny petty problems that they cannot even see anything else happening in the world. (not me of course :)

6. I think TOO much. If there is a thought in my head there has to be a reason. If there is a reason there has to be something that triggered it and so on...

7. I am not afraid to lay my stuff bare. Sharing your past "escapades" with a co-worker you hardly know at happy hour isn't a very good idea!

8. I do not know how to forgive and forget. It sounds good though...

9. I am an emotional wreck 50% of the time. This one goes back to the thinking too much. There are a million and one things that go through my head and half of those make me cry.

10. I may not be the best mother in the world, but I do everything it takes to make sure my boys are happy, healthy, and safe.

Now that I have admitted this willingly and knowingly....I think there are some changes I need to make with myself. This starts today!

Dear Boys,

There are many things going on in the world that you don't understand or even know about. Most recently, tornado's taking the lives of innocent people, including other kids. This made me realize how valuable each day is and how I should never take our time together for granted. In case you don't already know this, you guys are my world. I live for the times we spend together. The little things you do or say make me so happy and I constantly think about all the fun times we do have together. Even when I have to get onto you or put you in timeout for something, I love you. Hayden, I love the pictures you draw for me. Especially the men with mustaches; they are too cute! Brady bear, I love your sarcasm. ( I know you don't know that yet, but that's what it is) The other day, you told me "Mom, I'm sick of this juice, I'm sick of it" I have never laughed so hard.

Now, I know sometimes life is confusing. Going back and forth from Mommy to Daddy can be really tough. Please know, we do this so that we can both be in your lives because we both love you VERY much. Hayden, I know you get so tired of me asking you to eat "real" food but it's because I love you. Brady, I know you don't like being told what to do but it's because I love you. You see, everything I do....is because I love you and I want you to grow big and strong and old.

Just remember, no matter what mommy loves her boys.

Misinterpretations

With all the technology that is out there now, people hardly chat face to face anymore. If it wasn't for profile pictures we might actually forget what our friends looked like. More and more people rely on text messaging and emails to get in touch with people and this..my friends...can cause some problems. Let me explain...

Emotions are not conveyed in text or emails. Heck, if it weren't for the emoticons that people have come up with, we could be portrayed as a sack of potatoes, and this...is no good. Here are some examples of things that are misinterpreted in written text.

"...ok" -----Wait, are you mad?? Why the ... what did I say to upset you??
"oh, ok" ----what?? Is this not the answer that you expected to come from me??
"I DONT THINK SO?"  -----Why are you screaming at me? Why are you so angry?
"ok I suppose" -----That was a yes or no question wth
"huh?" ----- what part did you not understand, do you want me to repeat everything I just said or do you need more english lessons?
"sure" ----sure?? Do you want to or not?!
"....IDK" ----- Can i just have a better explaination please?!

As you can see, it is easy to get upset/irritated/want to throw something at someone for their response. Really, only the person who sends the message knows its true meaning and the deciphering is up to us. :)

Memories

Sometimes I think it is crazy some of the things that I can remember from my childhood. I spent the drive to work this morning thinking about them, some of which made me laugh and others not so much. Here are some in no particular order.

- I remember my mom taking me to my three year old checkup and when I got my shots, I didn't cry....why?? Because M&M's were on the line.

- I remember my moms mullet. (sorry mom)

- I remember Chris always wearing a white hat.

- I remember when Chris got a boy doll to match my girl doll

- I remember when I got so pissed at Heather for wanting to use my pretend iron and ironing board to iron my clothes. ( I was going to do it when I got out of the bath dangit)

- I remember a big wheel being run over (not my fault, I swear)

- I remember sneaking into grammy's fridge and sneaking Jello and still denying it when our hand prints were in the bowl.

- I remember my cutout one piece that showed my belly and me walking around trying to close the gap so no one would see.

- I remember always eating juju candies.

- I remember when Jonathan was born and the hospital made me wear a mask...but didn't I only have asthma?!

Random thoughts, yes I know. But these little thoughts can sometimes pick me up on a day where I am feeling a little down.

My Addiction

Today's blog is a bit more serious than the last two. Today's topic: Addiction, my addiction. No I am not talking about my tattoo addiction...or my cherry pepsi addiction...this is something I have not been wanting to admit, but the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem, right?

This particular addiction causes me anxiety when I go without it for more than a couple days. I will go to great distances to get my fix. Yes, I am talking about ....Taco Bell.

And not just Taco Bell...Taco Bell/Pizza Hut is the true demon here. My fix is simple....chicken quesadilla with extra jalapeno sauce on the side and a PH3 with a pepsi. (for those of you who are Taco Bell/Pizza Hut amatuers, a PH3 is breadsticks with a drink) For under $5 I get this!! Talking about it now, makes the craving appear. If someone is going to Taco Bell, I could never resist asking them to get my meal. I will drive 15 minutes out of my way to get my fix. We have a bigger problem though....

The Taco Bell that was right down the street from my house....closed. I know, I know...take it in....Once I saw the building was demolished...I was really devasted. After some research, I discovered that it was a zoning issue and they are rebuilding it. So now, my late night Taco Bell craving has really become a pain in the butt. I can either deal with it and turn into a monster (which I am sure John loves) or I can drive to the nearest Taco Bell that is 15 minutes away.

All I know is this. Taco Bell....you had BETTER be open in two years or so (hopefully we will be expecting a wittle one) or all I know is I am going to find your secret recipes and start up shop in my house.

To post, or not to post, that is the question:

Facebook used to be about catching up with old friends, (or spying on them) letting people know what you are doing with your life, or that place where you post a ton of pictures so everyone can see how cute (you think) your family is. This is definitely not the case anymore. Facebook has turned into what I like to refer to as "Bitchbook". Bitchbook is where you come to tell your friends how angry you are. You tell who pissed you off that day, why people suck, or most recently how much you hate the President. The funny thing is you can actually remove people from your life simply by deleting them. Once you are deleted you are non-existent in their world. Personally, I feel bad for these people who are always so angry!

For once, let everyone post positive, uplifting, motivating quotes. Not that some people don't already do that, I really appreciate those posts. You are happy with life and I get happy just by reading your posts. So that brings me to my topic today....To post, or not to post. Next time you are thinking about posting something negative on Facebook, ask yourself...will this hurt someones feeling? Could I get erased as a friend from someones life? If I don't post this, will my day still totally suck? If I do post this will my day automatically be better?

So if everyone now, could come and get happy! After all, studies show happy people live longer.

Chapter 3

I am a firm believer that people change. Sometimes it is for the better, sometimes it is not. For me, it is better....much much better. I am going to skip chapters 1 and 2 for my sake and your time. No doubt, I would not be where I am now if it wasn't for them, but there are definite memories that still bring up a painful past.

My life is wonderful now. I have a great boyfriend who cares about me as much as I care for him (he might joke that he cares more).

 I have two amazing sons, Hayden who is almost 5 and Brady who turned 3 today.

It seems like just yesterday I was going in for a regular check up only to find I was in labor and didn't even know it. My little ginger has gotten so big and so smart! Hayden who is not a ginger but quite possibly the spawn of something magnificent (yes, me) is the biggest smart alec 4/5 year old you have ever met. Whether he tells me, and I quote "this is ridiculous" or "what do you not understand mom, it's not that difficult?" there is never a dull moment with either of them.

To help me with Chapter 3, I have began reading a book called "How to Heal Toxic Thoughts". Although I am only to chapter 3 in the book (no correlation with the title of this blog) I must say that it is a book I think most people should read. There always seems to be so much negativity in the air about everything. I know that I am guilty of being negative as well and although it takes thought to be positive; you feel better, you breathe better, and everyone around you notices a great change in your personality and being.

Happy Monday to you all!