The past couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotions and drastic changes in my life. My anxiety has reached an all time high and my lack of sleep is starting to make me a complete monster. I don't drink every night that I don't have my boys, but when I do...you better believe I am going to forget the night.
This is not how I imagined my life....
I have two amazing boys. I have a terrific job. I have amazing friends and family.....so why do I feel so alone??
In an effort to try to figure out what is going on in my head, I've decided to write this blog. Sure, some people might think "Now Erica, why would you share such personal information?" I think if I share this with the right people this seemingly difficult time in my life will get easier, much faster.
So let's start with the obvious (if you are a Facebook stalker, you already know) my boyfriend and I broke up. He was/is everything I thought I wanted in a boyfriend/partner. Smart, funny, handsome, and he loved my boys. He loved me. For whatever reason (let's say I'm crazy) I couldn't love him the way he loved me. Of course, I love and care for him as a person; I'd like to think I am not a cold heartless bitch, but in the end I don't think I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I am grateful for the time I had with him. He taught me many things. I wouldn't be attending the church I attend if it hadn't been for him opening my eyes and helping me be a little more open minded in general.
So what's the problem right?? That is what I wanted after all.....I came home tonight to find even more of his things gone. There's only a few things of his left here and the rest is mine. I have begun the tedious task of packing things. Typically, I pack things very quickly. I am ready to move out weeks before it's time. Now, I know this date is going to sneak up on me like a predator on his victim.
My friends are being wonderful. Every day is different. Some days, I am ready to tackle the world. Nothing could get me down. Other days, I want to take a magic pill that would let me sleep through the next week so I could forget everything going on.
The boys are very confused. They are excited to move, but don't quite understand why John isn't coming with us.
This is my off week with the boys. I don't get them back until early Sunday morning. So naturally, this is an off week for me anyways. It's 100 times harder when I am completely alone.
I don't want to settle for just anyone because I am lonely. I am terrified of that actually. Half of my anxiety is from things that haven't even happened yet.
Oh, and did I mention....there is a ghost at my house. Granted, I now am really starting to believe he may actually be my guardian angel of some sort...but still. Try explaining that to your friends who already thought you were a little off in the first place.
I don't really know where I am going with this. Partially because my sleeping meds that I did not forget to take tonight, are kicking in. I know things will get better. One day at a time. For now, I need to remind myself....to just breathe.
